Dear Ellie,
With a few dates rapidly approaching- the end of this blog
(as of March 1) and Kyle’s 11-day anniversary, I am finding myself more
thoughtful of the past as I look for advice to give you in the future.
When Kyle was born, we had a taste of how good life could be
with children.
We understood how
big our hearts could grow to love someone so little with enormous medical
issues. When he died, we grieved
for the child we knew but also for the memories we would never make with
him. Even through our sadness, it
was the love of our child that we chose to take away from that experience. And that my dear is why we chose to
have you and your brother.
Looking at this picture above (your Dad and I are in our
Denver house and I’m 9 months pregnant with you), I remember feeling that I knew my life would be better
once I gave birth that afternoon (in fact 5 hours after this picture was
taken). But it was the magnitude
of how much better that I couldn’t comprehend before I met you. It’s only in retrospect that I realize
how these 5 years have been the very best of my entire life. You, my sweet girl, came three days
after my 30th birthday and you were hands down the best birthday
gift anyone has ever given to me.
You were small and feisty- two traits that still remain
today.
At your preschool parent-teacher conference two weeks ago,
your teacher told your Dad and I that you were a quiet leader in her
classroom. A quiet leader… the
perfect words to describe you, my lovebug. You are shy but you make good choices, despite what others
are doing around you. You are
gentle, kind, and lead by example.
I see this when I watch you interact with Will (who can be very rough,
especially because of his size)… even if you treat Will like a puppy dog once
in a while (particularly when you were playing fetch with him today).
Your teacher also said that you were
independent (a trait I see in your clothing choices especially… although your
teacher was genuinely surprised and pleased when I told her you pick out your
outfits everyday- I’m wondering if I should be insulted!).
You have such a quirky sense of humor
and you are so very honest and endearing.
I am the mom that can say she cherished (and still
cherishes) every moment with all three of her children. I think it was the anesthesiologist
that told Mimi on his way out of my surgery (helping to deliver you) that he
hasn’t seen anyone smile as much as me during a c-section. And I can promise that didn’t change
one bit with Will’s pregnancy and delivery too.
I am also the mom who wouldn’t let you or Will go to the nursery after
you were born- I held you both, refusing sleep just to stare at your beautiful
faces. For me, cradling you and
Will in my arms was a dream come true- specifically because of Kyle watching
from above. The words glorious,
angelic, and blissful are how I would describe those first moments (and even
many since) with you and Will.
Final Thought: The
passing of Kyle does not make me fear losing you or Will, rather it makes each
second with the both of you that much sweeter.
Thank you Kyle- it is because of you that I wish each
milestone would last a lifetime.
I love you Ellie just as I love both of your brothers,
Mom
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