Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Final Thoughts Month of February: Blog 1- Letters from Mom & Mimi

Dear Ellie,

With a few dates rapidly approaching- the end of this blog (as of March 1) and Kyle’s 11-day anniversary, I am finding myself more thoughtful of the past as I look for advice to give you in the future.

When Kyle was born, we had a taste of how good life could be with children.  
We understood how big our hearts could grow to love someone so little with enormous medical issues.  When he died, we grieved for the child we knew but also for the memories we would never make with him.  Even through our sadness, it was the love of our child that we chose to take away from that experience.  And that my dear is why we chose to have you and your brother. 

Looking at this picture above (your Dad and I are in our Denver house and I’m 9 months pregnant with you), I remember feeling that I knew my life would be better once I gave birth that afternoon (in fact 5 hours after this picture was taken).  But it was the magnitude of how much better that I couldn’t comprehend before I met you.  It’s only in retrospect that I realize how these 5 years have been the very best of my entire life.  You, my sweet girl, came three days after my 30th birthday and you were hands down the best birthday gift anyone has ever given to me.  
You were small and feisty- two traits that still remain today. 

At your preschool parent-teacher conference two weeks ago, your teacher told your Dad and I that you were a quiet leader in her classroom.  A quiet leader… the perfect words to describe you, my lovebug.  You are shy but you make good choices, despite what others are doing around you.  You are gentle, kind, and lead by example.  I see this when I watch you interact with Will (who can be very rough, especially because of his size)… even if you treat Will like a puppy dog once in a while (particularly when you were playing fetch with him today).  

Your teacher also said that you were independent (a trait I see in your clothing choices especially… although your teacher was genuinely surprised and pleased when I told her you pick out your outfits everyday- I’m wondering if I should be insulted!).  
You have such a quirky sense of humor and you are so very honest and endearing.      

I am the mom that can say she cherished (and still cherishes) every moment with all three of her children.  I think it was the anesthesiologist that told Mimi on his way out of my surgery (helping to deliver you) that he hasn’t seen anyone smile as much as me during a c-section.  And I can promise that didn’t change one bit with Will’s pregnancy and delivery too.  
I am also the mom who wouldn’t let you or Will go to the nursery after you were born- I held you both, refusing sleep just to stare at your beautiful faces.  For me, cradling you and Will in my arms was a dream come true- specifically because of Kyle watching from above.  The words glorious, angelic, and blissful are how I would describe those first moments (and even many since) with you and Will. 

Final Thought: The passing of Kyle does not make me fear losing you or Will, rather it makes each second with the both of you that much sweeter.
Thank you Kyle- it is because of you that I wish each milestone would last a lifetime.

I love you Ellie just as I love both of your brothers,


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