Thursday, February 26, 2015
This is it… our last blog. It is with a mix of emotions that your Mimi and I sign off. Probably the strongest feeling right now is relief. My resolution this year was to slow down.
Although this blog is one of my proudest accomplishments (4 years with weekly letters), I have also felt a huge time commitment and stress over it (which isn’t fair to you and Will anymore).
Case in point, as I am currently typing, your Dad just started playing that song from that 80s television show Doogie Houser, MD (the one where he journals). I think it’s time I shut down the blog so that I can spend more time talking with him after you and Will go to bed.
Or maybe I will take some time for myself. Perhaps now, I will get back to my old rhythm of reading books faster.
Final Thought: Know when to leave the party.
Ellie, you always want your viewers to want more. Don’t wait until you’ve lost everyone in your audience. Think of your beloved show Full House that should have ended at least two seasons before it did. Then think of my beloved show Friends when I cried during the finale, heartbroken that it was over.
Or on a more serious note, think of how poignant your brother’s life was (especially noting that this is during his 11 day anniversary).
The timing of his exit, despite it being against my plans and wishes, made the impact of his entrance that much more significant.
You turning five next month starts a new chapter in your life. One in which I need to respect your privacy (still writing down your memorable moments only now it will be in your school scrapbook). When I think back to my own childhood, five is the age when I really started to have concrete memories. So in effect, the blog isn’t necessary to chronicle your development anymore because you’re old enough now to have that knowledge.
And your Mimi and I have been feeling some guilt. You’re not her only grandchild and you’re not my only child.
It’s not fair that this blog is only for you. Although I do hope you share some of our letters with your brother and any future cousins as you see fit. And I hope that you will pass our words down to your posterity so that when we die, our wishes and dreams will live on.
And don’t be surprised if your Mimi and I have envelopes full of letters throughout the years stuffed into your blog binders. I’m sure we won’t be able to give up writing to you completely. After all, writing these entries to you are often so therapeutic for us!
And so my angel girl, my little love, I close our blog. Just like we told Kyle, we don’t say good-bye in this family… only see you soon.
We love you more than words could ever express.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Final Thought: I love you.
Five years ago you made your grand entrance into this world. On that day Ellie when you were only hours old, I held you in my arms and my very first thought was, “I love you.”
I remember whispering those three words into your ear as I studied every tiny and perfect feature on your beautiful, angelic being. Today, I end my last public blog entry with that same beginning thought, “I love you Ellie.” From the moment I laid eyes on you through all the tomorrows, “I shall always love you.”
And you know how I am all about ‘memories.’ Well, I want to leave you with one that you, my sweet grand daughter, created for my keepsake. It is a memory that I will keep safely tucked within my heart for always. This memory is one that I can and will draw upon as needed. I already know it will bring me a perpetual smile!
Here it is: Last Sunday at church during Father Neil’s sermon on Compassion and Suffering, my eyes kept misting up. I can tell you now Ellie that your older brother Kyle has been on my mind as we are in the midst of honoring yet another anniversary of his beautifully blessed but too short life. So while listening to Father Neil I could also see out of the corner of my eye that you were quite busy trying to make a pillow for Violet (your talking purple stuffed dog) with my coat scarf. And then for no reason, you just stopped what you were doing and crawled up onto my lap. First you kissed me and then turned around facing forward towards the pulpit. Seconds passed when you tilted your head back, looked up towards my eyes and whispered, “I love you Mimi” and quietly returned you gaze back to the priest. Two minutes later you were off my lap removing Violet’s diaper and wrapping it around your own arm creating a one-of-a-kind cast! (Your attention span is still somewhat short!) But in the moments before that Ellie, it was as though you had a ‘sixth sense’ to my feelings… specifically the one I was trying to keep hidden. You never seize to amaze me little one. You are like an ‘old soul’. And a loving one at that.
To God I am thankful for so many things El, especially for blessing me with three beautiful grandchildren who have captured my heart completely and for those grandchildren that are still yet to come. To God I am also thankful for his guidance in helping me pen my thoughts for sharing through Teacup Talk With Ellie. It is because of yours and my special bond that I have been able to write our stories El. And prayerfully they shall continue… maybe not as consistently, but for as long as I am able to write. For there are many memories still yet to come...
I Heart You Always!
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Ellie, over the past 5 years, I have been in awe that your Mom and Mimi have been writing letters to you every week. Your Mom and Mimi have a talent that I do not possess, but greatly admire.
In the spirit of challenging my own self, I would like to share with you my almost 6 decades of life experiences.
1. I realized that “our roads” to success have been paved by everyone that has come before us. So with each passing birthday Ellie, I hope you will take a moment to look back and see “your road” the one that is paving your future.
2. If you were to take a picture of the “you” today, you need to know that there is more than just a pretty young lady staring back at you from the photo. That picture is like a jigsaw puzzle made up of many pieces. Your family, friends and daily life moments shape each of those pieces.
3. That being said Ellie “YOU” are responsible for You. You have the final decision of the person you want to be. So challenge yourself everyday. Don’t take the easy road and blame someone else for a wrong choice made. Be responsible.
5. Education will get you everywhere. Never stop learning Ellie. Our mind is one of the greatest gifts given to us, so fill it with knowledge and lots of it. It is an important key to success.
4. Everyone at some point in life goes through difficult times; your success or failure will depend on how you handle all situations including the tough ones. And if you are ever in doubt, ask for help.
6. What you do everyday matters more than what you do once in a while. Put your best foot forward each morning and you will sleep better each night.
7. Live your life with Integrity and Honesty, remembering your word is everything.
8. A leader leads by a positive example. Be a leader Ellie… you have that capability.
9. I have learned through my many years that hard work as well as common sense brings opportunities to our paths, and many of those opportunities bring success.
10. Lastly Ellie, I would like to leave you with an inspirational piece that has had a profound effect on me. I use to be the person who looked for “the station,” but no more.
With age, I have become a bit wiser (or so I would hope!). Please read the following poem Ellie, and don’t forget to Stop and Smell the Roses on your own path of life.
By: Robert J. Hastings
Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We are traveling by train, out the windows, we drink in the passing scenes of children waving at a crossing, cattle grazing on a distant hillside, row upon row of corn and wheat, flatlands and valleys, mountains and rolling hillsides and city skylines. But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day, we will pull into the station. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there, our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. Restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes - waiting, waiting, waiting for the station. "When we reach the station, that will be it!" We cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450sl Mercedes Benz!" "When I put the last kid through college." "When I have paid off the mortgage!" "When I get a promotion." "When I reach retirement, I shall live happily ever after!" Sooner or later, we realize there is no station, no one place to arrive. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us. "Relish the moment" is a good motto. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today. Regret is reality, after the facts.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The STATION will come soon enough.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
With a few dates rapidly approaching- the end of this blog (as of March 1) and Kyle’s 11-day anniversary, I am finding myself more thoughtful of the past as I look for advice to give you in the future.
When Kyle was born, we had a taste of how good life could be with children.
We understood how big our hearts could grow to love someone so little with enormous medical issues. When he died, we grieved for the child we knew but also for the memories we would never make with him. Even through our sadness, it was the love of our child that we chose to take away from that experience. And that my dear is why we chose to have you and your brother.
Looking at this picture above (your Dad and I are in our Denver house and I’m 9 months pregnant with you), I remember feeling that I knew my life would be better once I gave birth that afternoon (in fact 5 hours after this picture was taken). But it was the magnitude of how much better that I couldn’t comprehend before I met you. It’s only in retrospect that I realize how these 5 years have been the very best of my entire life. You, my sweet girl, came three days after my 30th birthday and you were hands down the best birthday gift anyone has ever given to me.
You were small and feisty- two traits that still remain today.
At your preschool parent-teacher conference two weeks ago, your teacher told your Dad and I that you were a quiet leader in her classroom. A quiet leader… the perfect words to describe you, my lovebug. You are shy but you make good choices, despite what others are doing around you. You are gentle, kind, and lead by example. I see this when I watch you interact with Will (who can be very rough, especially because of his size)… even if you treat Will like a puppy dog once in a while (particularly when you were playing fetch with him today).
Your teacher also said that you were independent (a trait I see in your clothing choices especially… although your teacher was genuinely surprised and pleased when I told her you pick out your outfits everyday- I’m wondering if I should be insulted!).
You have such a quirky sense of humor and you are so very honest and endearing.
I am the mom that can say she cherished (and still cherishes) every moment with all three of her children. I think it was the anesthesiologist that told Mimi on his way out of my surgery (helping to deliver you) that he hasn’t seen anyone smile as much as me during a c-section. And I can promise that didn’t change one bit with Will’s pregnancy and delivery too.
I am also the mom who wouldn’t let you or Will go to the nursery after you were born- I held you both, refusing sleep just to stare at your beautiful faces. For me, cradling you and Will in my arms was a dream come true- specifically because of Kyle watching from above. The words glorious, angelic, and blissful are how I would describe those first moments (and even many since) with you and Will.
Final Thought: The passing of Kyle does not make me fear losing you or Will, rather it makes each second with the both of you that much sweeter.
Thank you Kyle- it is because of you that I wish each milestone would last a lifetime.
I love you Ellie just as I love both of your brothers,