Thursday, February 20, 2014

Life Lessons Month of February: Blog 3- Letters from Mom & Mimi

Hi Ellie,

When I am quiet with no distractions, I can hear God and feel closer with Kyle.  I feel refreshed and have a new sense of purpose, self, and perspective. 

Life Lessoned Learned #52: Take the time to be still once in awhile.

Last week, your Dad and I went on a 4-day mini-vacation to Vermont, where your Aunt Ally lives.  

The purpose of the trip was not meditative at all; in fact it was the opposite.  It was to catch up with my best friend, reconnect with your Dad, get to know Ally’s husband, and relax (and by that I mean drinking wine, hot-tubbing, eating great food, and enjoying each other’s company).  Ally lives in a gorgeous ski town so of course your Dad wanted to take advantage of the powder (and also Ally and Jim’s expertise of the mountain slopes).  

But you know me, Ellie.  I am the least athletic and most uncoordinated person you will ever meet so skiing is not a sport I want to conquer.  So for the two mornings they all went out on the slopes, I sat in a very comfortable leather chair in a quiet lodge with a hot chocolate and a good book.  Although I did a lot of reading, I also put my book down and let my mind be calm. 

This kind of tranquility for me just about never happens anymore Ellie through circumstances and choices.  Between the busyness of having two children under the age of 4, I barely am alone anymore.  And if I am by myself, I am working or going to appointments.  Even at church, between keeping an eye on you and Will and trying to listen to the sermon keeps the morning hectic.  After you and Will go to sleep at night, I definitely have my own engaging routines- Downton Abbey and Big Bang Theory, my Kindle, and enjoying time with your Dad.   So at bedtime, I usually collapse pretty quickly. 

Now, I wouldn’t trade a minute of my crazy life.  But being reminded that having a still moment is bliss was significant, especially because of the timing.  You see, it’s Kyle’s 11 days right now.  Between February 18-March 1, he miraculously lived more days than anyone thought he could.  Of course, I didn’t need a quiet moment to remember that or him, I think of him everyday day.  But to have time to reflect back, given the 5-year time lapse was important.  5 years.  Realizing that while I was in the lodge by myself literally took my breath away.  5 years.  When I exhaled, I felt his finger in my clenched fist- it was as if we were back in the NICU and I was holding his hand.  He’s still with me Ellie, with all of us.  Kyle is happy and he wants us to be happy.  And just as your Mimi always said, Kyle is love and love is Kyle.  When you are old enough, quiet your mind and feel Kyle around you.  You will feel such a peaceful adoration, one that will energize you to keep you going.  That’s what it took for your Dad and I to continue on after losing our first-born baby.

Be happy, give love, and let yourself be loved- that’s what Kyle’s message was for me in that lodge.  It has been 5 years since I felt him in my arms, looked into his deep blue eyes, and let him go.  We never did say good-bye though because he never really left us.  He is in our hearts; we just have to listen.

I love you Ellie just as I love all of my children.

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